Incomprehensible (April 17th, 2009)

Current mood:weird

I’m guessing I need another MRI, and I’m willing to have one with all of the headaches going on. Something is plaguing me, and I have no idea what it is. Ready for last night’s dream, because it’s strange, scary, and makes absolutely no sense while making all the sense in the world.

Our church went on a cruise. Makes no sense, but it does. We’re all given our rooms, and most of the time, Doug wasn’t with me. All of the pastors are there except the top two in command. For some reason, they had abandoned us from what everyone was talking about. I refused to believe it. So the ship was delayed from leaving because people were saying we would surely die, exact words. If the ship left, we would hit an iceberg and the ship would sink. (Mind you, I HAVE NOT seen the movie Titanic in years.) Everyone was in a panic, except for me and a few pastors wives. I clung to two of them because deep down, I was scared to death. One of them hid her baby on land. We snuck off of the ship, and she hid her baby in a car, where someone would find him to keep him from danger. I asked her if the baby would be okay, and if she would be okay. She told me all that mattered was his safety. She gently covered him up, and we walked away. Then we got back onto the ship. The next day, we were set to leave. Everyone on this ship was scared. Everyone. That next day, we stood at the top, waving to people below. I was bawling, but everyone I was waving to thought it was because I would miss them. A man was staring at me. He knew what was going on, but his parents wouldn’t let him go. As we were standing there, looking at the people waving goodbye to us. I was drinking water. A guy was playing and singing scary songs about how we were all going to die, and how we were going to sink and water was going to fill up our lungs, and we would die painfully. I handed my drink to another pastor’s wife, calmly asking her to hold it for a minute, then I decked the guy who was singing, knocking him out cold. Everyone started clapping. I grabbed my drink from the lady and thanked her. What everyone kept saying was going to happen, happened. I sought out a few of the pastors. They were all scared and upset. One of them was crying and repeating something incoherent over and over. Then he told me he was sorry. I went back to my room. Everyone was in their rooms by that time. I just prayed for a miracle that I knew only God could do. Water was filling up the room. A young woman, who looked a lot like me with hair to her waist, was screaming. I ran in there to see what happened. She had lost her baby. Water was slowly coating the floors. Horrible fish of all kinds were being found under beds and dressers. Staff from the cruise came and sedated her. She kept crying and repeating something incoherent, like the pastor had before. I stared at her, sadly, knowing we were all going to die. But no miracle came. The people outside of the ship were mourning. One man knew we were alive, but there was nothing he could do about it. He prayed, I prayed, the women on the ship prayed, while the men slowly slipped away, while they kept sedating that one woman, and the water slowly coming into the ship. There was so much sadness. And then, even while we were not moving, the ship was sinking. The women held on with much endurance. Men were almost in a zombie-like state, just walking around, unable to speak about the entire situation, most them crying and watching helplessly. The ship was going into the water. People were praising God as the ship sank, people were screaming, crying, falling into the water. We were praising God till the end. We were hanging on to the sides of the ship with our lifejackets on, the women. We were still hatching a plan, our way of escape. We were still singing praises to God as the ship was going down. I was crying, but praising God through my pain and my fear. I felt like even though I was a woman, all of the women were still more courageous than I could ever be. I kept praying for a miracle, saying, “God, you can still reverse this. It’s not over until you decide.” I kept repeating it, and then I felt completely abandoned. People kept praising, and I realized He wasn’t going to show up. That’s when I felt all of the sadness a person could humanly feel. I looked around at people dying, women falling into the water, still praising and singing, men trying to purchase their lives by bribing people to get them off the ship. Some were making excuses, some weren’t trying to fight at all. I didn’t want to just give up and let go. All I ever wanted was Him, and he wasn’t coming. And I just didn’t understand that. When the ship split in half, I didn’t jump off with the rest of them. I let it pull me down into the ocean, yet we still hadn’t left for our cruise. All of the people outside were watching in horror as the ship was sinking. Some crying, some praying, some of them were laughing. Some of them stood there in complete disbelief. Some of them had already left. I woke up with my head and my heart pounding. Either I’m crazy, stressed, or someone is trying to tell me something.