This Isn't Going To Be Pretty...

I'm sick of hiding behind my mask and caring what other people think of me, so hear it goes. It's not going to be pretty. I'm just going to lay it out there and get it over and done with.

MY LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT STRESSFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband decided to go back to school after getting fired on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009. My life has been a mess ever since that day. I got a job at Reyburn's Towing, and that fixed everything for a while, but all the owner did was talk bad about my church and some of the people there I love dearly, and he kept comparing me to the other "Kelly Girls" he had work for him, and he when he and I were alone in the office, he "put me in my place" as a woman. I never could do anything right there according to the boss's girlfriend. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and I often got yelled at and blamed for stuff that I had nothing to do with, so after enduring three months of Hell on earth, I typed out a three page resignation letter and left. I couldn't take it anymore. Ever since I quit on Saturday, February 19th, at five p.m. I have looked for a job. It's been nine months. I've had three interviews, no calls. I did have someone call me when I was sick, (and I'm still not fully recovered from that illness which brings me to week seven of still feeling lousy), and I couldn't answer the phone because I lost my voice. When I called back later on to inquire about the job, the position was already filled. I've called Kelly every week and they won't hire me, probably because Reyburn's Towing ran my name through the mud. I've applied for a little bit of everything online and in person, and no calls, no prospects, nothing.

My father-in-law has Lewy Body Dementia and he's in a home right now, not doing very well. My mother-in-law is in complete denial, so he can't get any sort of help or treatment targeted at the dementia itself and chances are, it's too late anyway. My mother-in-law spends twelve to thirteen hours a day there, which means she's not getting anything done on the house, and now she's sick, which means he's alone there, so he cries and won't eat, and there's nothing we can do for him because she's in denial. So no sort of treatment plan will be implemented in order to help him, but again, it's probably too late now anyway. There's nothing we can do...nothing, which isn't fair to him either. I want to be able to say we did everything, we tried everything, even if it doesn't work, but we're not doing right by him.

Meanwhile, since mid October, a ticket has been put on our car once a week because the tags are expired. We can't get tags because the inspection sticker is expired, and we can't get an inspection because we don't have the money to fix the car and we can't get tags until we get insurance, and Doug still has to take the car to school. I won't drive it anymore because I'm not going to get my license revoked. I just got a physical copy (someone stole my purse) and renewed it last Summer. I don't want to lose it in any sense of the word. (If we lived in Ohio, we would have two cars we could use right now because they don't require inspection, just insurance, which is much cheaper there too.)

The only person that has called Doug is Kroger, and they're treating him like crap. They're not working around his school schedule and putting him down as NCNS, and Doug sprained his hand and they're not paying worker's comp because the doctor said he could do "light duty" but Kroger won't let him do that. They made him take the week off, so next week, we won't have a paycheck. Doug signed up for the Family to Family thing at church so we can have Thanksgiving dinner, but that brings me to my next problem...we may not have a place to have dinner by then. We were supposed to have rent paid by the 18th of this month, and our landlord has taken us to court before due to late rent. This time, I'm sure he's going to take us back to court or put us out on the streets because we're not going to have the money by then. So Doug comes home and starts reminding me that I HAVE to have a job by this week or we're going to be homeless. I've not had the best of luck with jobs, probably because of my medical problems, which I don't have insurance or a doctor to get things taken care of at this point in time.

I'm going to be a 30-something year old woman working a minimum wage job and barely getting by because I can't find a good job and my husband had to go to school and I know if it will pay off when he graduates, atleast it better pay off that's all I'm saying, but I NEED IT TO PAY OFF NOW! Doug needs a good job, or else it's over. Even if someone were to hire me tomorrow, there's no guarantee that I will get paid by the time we HAVE to give the landlord rent money, and he still has the right to kick us out. And God knows if we have to move out, we have nowhere to put anything, much less anywhere to go.

I've pretty much just given up on everything. All I want to do is work on my book because it is my only way of escape from this nightmare I call my life, but I'm probably going to pull the plug on it. It's nothing but a dream anyway that's not getting me anywhere right now. All I ever wanted was to make it, and we're honestly not going to make it anymore. I can't even be a good Christian because I'm under so much stress that I daydream about screaming the "F Word" (although I haven't allowed myself to) and banging my head against a brick wall until I'm unconscious, but I know I can't do that. It wouldn't help anything anyway. I just feel like everything is totally hopeless and I can't do anything right as it is. I've lost all hope and all motivation. I'm trapped and there's nothing I can do about it. I give up.

So there you have it. I'm being totally honest, and I'm sure it will get me nowhere, but I'm sick of pretending everything is okay. I'M SICK OF IT! I think I'm done emotionally honking all over the place, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. There's more I want to say, and I've went pretty far, I really have, but some things are better left unsaid, or untyped in this case. I'm probably going to bawl my eyes out for the rest of the night now, but I've had enough.