The Year 2015 Isn't Going So Well...

So here we are, in a brand new year with lots of possibilities.

When I hoped for new beginnings, this isn't what I had in mind.

The year started out typically. Winter arrived in January.

Everyone is whinging about how they can't wait for Summer. Not me. There's a song by Armin van Buuren called "Winter Stayed" (and ironically it's the "on the beach" mix). Still, the title sums it up for me. Winter Stayed. I'd like for it to stay. All too soon, we will be thrust back into the hot, muggy, insect filled atmosphere with the inability to escape from the blinding sunlight, and I'm just not looking forward to it. I always mean it when I say that my feelings wouldn't be hurt if I never saw another Summer. There are not enough gifs or enough words to describe just how much I loathe, abhor, and detest the summertime.

So now that we've chatted about the weather...

Did I mention that already?

The year was going quite typically. No more colourful Winter Wonderland lights, gray days, and lots of free time for me to work on my books. I want to release Insomnia circa Spring of this year. (I can't wait to share the cover! Casey Bond has done a spectacular job once again!) And in 2016, I'm going to begin releasing the series. (I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it!)

I didn't make any new year's resolutions for 2015.

But I did have grandiose plans to have some down time to spend time with my fictional loved ones from the series, while alternating with perfecting the stories in Insomnia. (My grandiose plans just aren't as grandiose as they sound, are they? I'm a boring writer type though, so what did you expect?)

So 2015 began, full of hope and expectation, 
But it quickly became a year filled with fear and trepidation.
With inspiration in my heart, and coffee in my cup, 
I sat down at my desk, and then something came up...

I'm all over the place here, and I apologize.

On Friday morning, I had a bad migraine.

That's nothing out of the ordinary. The weather is one of my biggest triggers, and it shifted from somewhere around 5 degrees to 41 degrees. I expected this to happen. It's never convenient when it does occur. The more convenient time would have been in the evening when my husband was home from work, and we were just sitting around doing nothing, but I just can't seem to plan these things around my schedule. It was like four in the morning. I woke my husband, and we dealt with it.

When you have a chronic illness of any kind (I have chronic migraines, among several other illnesses), your time is not your own. You're on your body's schedule, and it's like having a horrible boss. You have to do what it says. Sometimes I don't, which profits little for me, but I get angry and I want to dictate what goes on in my life, and I throw a bloody tantrum about how it's not fair, and things still don't change. That's just how my life works. The squeaky wheel doesn't get the grease in this case. It simply gets ignored.

Friday, I spent the day lying around the house and resting. I didn't eat much. Any time I get sick, even if it's the sniffles, the first thing to go is my appetite. My body just shuts it down. Five minutes ago, I could have wanted a 72 oz steak, but the second my body is attacked by the germs/pain, my appetite disappears. But Saturday, I returned to my regularly scheduled life. Then Sunday, another migraine hit. Again, this is expected. We had another weather shift. It was no big deal...until it happened again Sunday night. That's when I knew something wasn't right.

To make an already long and incredibly boring story short, I have status migrainous. It occurs either when a migraine sufferer has had a migraine for over 72 hours, or has been attacked with back to back migraines for more than 72 hours. I'm the second option. The problem is I'm a difficult patient to treat. I'm allergic to so many prescription medications that are supposed to help me. I've had severe allergic reactions that could have ended my life. Doctors aren't comfortable giving me triptan drugs, because of my stroke risk. They're not comfortable giving me Migranal, which is a nasal spray. They're not comfortable giving me certain medications because of my immediate family's medical history. They're not comfortable with this medication or that medication, because of my reaction to this medication, and that medication, because of this reaction, and it's just a vicious cycle. (The ironic thing is that doctors often try to prescribe the medications that have almost killed me every time I'm in the ER.)

If I become a diabetic, like my mother and every odd numbered child on her side of the family (I'm the first born), I'm wondering how the doctors are going to treat that if turns out that I'm allergic to the diabetes medication. The good news is that there's a chance I can change my diet and not have to worry about medication if I win the diabetes lottery.

Welcome to my nightmare.

So the thing is, these migraine attacks aren't going to end soon. I'm a difficult patient because my body hates me, but I've survived worse, and I'm sure I'll survive this as well.

I won't come out unscathed. I never do. But I will get through this. I keep telling myself this. Lying around crying because I don't want to accept this as my new normal isn't helping much, and it only makes my head and my eyes throb worse.

For the last four days, I have been unable to have the lights on. I have to do everything in the dark, because it hurts so bad. My electronic devices are dimmed as low as possible, and it's still difficult to look at them. My television is dimmed as well. Unfortunately, cartoons are the only shows that display well. Everything else is too dark.

I've been unable to eat a meal. I've been sure to drink as much as possible, and I've been living on dry cereal for the most part. I'm quite stroppy, and if I weren't so weak, I'd probably be homicidal. That's four days worth of pain and the hunger talking. Please don't take me seriously.

I haven't worked since Saturday. I miss my fictional loved ones, and that's terribly depressing. My priorities are so out of order, because throughout this ordeal, all I can think about is whether or not my career is over. That's selfish. I shouldn't be worried about my career. But I am. I love being a writer/author/whichever you prefer. I hadn't planned on giving it up any time soon.

My husband has been great through all of this. I've had to rely on him for nearly everything. He's had to live in the dark along with me, and watch shows on the television that I'm fairly sure he can barely see. Thankfully when he needs to turn on lights, I can retreat to my metaphorical grave--the bedroom. I haven't really left my bed unless it was absolutely necessary.

That's really all I have for now. It was nice to do a normal person activity, like post a blog. I'm sure I'll pay for it later though. Everything has a price.

I should go before my vision begins to resemble a Picasso painting.

Perpetually Paused in the Postdrome Phase...

Cheers...

Won't You Meet Me in September?

It's hard to believe that we are three days into September! I feel like it crept up on me before I had the chance to prepare myself. This month is going to be busy. Usually August is my busy month and I get some downtime in September. Not this year. I have a lot going on this coming weekend alone. I'm exhausted just thinking about the next four days. I'm going to be living on coffee to get by.

So far, it has rained every day this month. We will probably see more rain at some point today.

The weather the past three days.

Being a pluviophile, (a lover of rain for those who don't know) I normally enjoy a good rainy day. Lately, I feel like I've seen enough rain to last a few months. The city where I live has seen flash floods several times within the past two weeks. It will rain heavily, flood the downtown area and leave people stranded, trying to get home for hours, and then the rain will stop and the sun will dry everything up. *shrugs* Once was bad enough. Twice, it's getting old. Three times? We'll see. I'm just glad that my husband and I live on higher ground. We also live in an area where there are several roads we can take to keep us from the flooded areas. I would post pics of the flood, but I'm actually on my laptop, and the pics are on my Kindle, and it's easier to blog from my laptop.

September is usually one of my favourite months, because it's the precursor to Fall. I honestly believe that I suffer from Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get depressed and have very little energy, motivation, and drive during the warmer months. The hotter it gets, the less motivated and the more depressed I become, so in September, I start feeling hopeful and energetic again. I can feel myself becoming rejuvenated. September makes me feel like I am waking up and coming out of hibernation, or like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon and spreading its wings for the first time. 

This is an F. Scott Fitzgerald quote from The Great Gatsby.

I really can't wait!

I love EVERYTHING about Fall. The colourful leaves, the clear robin's egg blue skies, the warm days, the cold nights, and of course the Fall fashions. I especially love that Fall happens at the end of September, which makes it my second favourite month. October is my favourite month ever.

I'm so not a Summer girl. I'm not comfortable in skimpy clothing or swimwear. I'd take a comfy pair of jeans and a long sleeved tee over shorts and a tee shirt any day. The insects die. The pollinating allergy inducing plants die. The humidity dies. The heat dies. All of the bad things temporarily die, the same way I do during the warm months. (Apparently I thrive when surrounded by death. I'm not sure what that says about me.)

Unfortunately, my second favourite month this year is looking more stressful than fun, because for once in my life, September will be as busy as October normally is for me.

How I feel three days into the month...

I'm still battling insomnia, which isn't fun. When I do sleep, I don't get that wonderful, uninterrupted REM sleep. I feel like I'm running on empty right now.

How I feel every single day...

There are many things that I'm fairly sure contribute to my insomnia. 

There's the fact that I am a writer, and inspiration doesn't have a schedule, so I could be drifting off to sleep, and an idea hits me like an Acme anvil in the Road Runner cartoons, and I HAVE TO GET UP and write it down. Sometimes, I end up working, and then I see 5:00 AM on the clock and wonder where the time went. That's just how it is when I'm working. It really doesn't seem like I work thirteen hours per day, but because I enjoy my work, time goes by rather quickly.

There's the fact that I do have a chronic illness which can cause pain or many other symptoms that would interrupt sleep. I can't get comfortable due to pain, or I wake up in pain and have to change positions and it may take me a while to get back to sleep. Thankfully, it has been a long time since pain has kept me up, save for my recent migraine.

I do have an anxiety disorder, several actually. I have OCD, GAD, social anxiety and panic disorder (sort of). OCD is the worst of it. I will climb into bed and realize that my shoes are not properly put away, or that the cats might need food/water, or whatever reason my brain gets locked onto, and I have to go check these things. Panic disorder used to be my biggest problem. I'm so thankful that panic attacks are rare for me these days. They have to be triggered by something. which means there's a reason, Before, I would have panic attacks for absolutely no reason.

I'm releasing a book on October 31st. I think this is the biggest reason for my insomnia. I'm a nervous wreck. It's my first book. It's not my first published work though. I wrote articles for a national church newsletter very briefly. It was called The Cardinal. It has nothing to do with the Catholic church though. When people found out that I wrote for The Cardinal, they automatically assumed that I was Catholic. *shrugs* 

My dream is right there within reach. I'm afraid I'm going to fail miserably, and that everyone is going to do the "I Told You So" dance. I have written forty-one books, and the series is bloody good, and if I had a title for any of the forty books in the series, I would release one of them first. Dormiveglia is the one that I am releasing first for a myriad of reasons:

• It's a collection of short stories that showcase my work. 
• It's to get my name out there. 
• It will hopefully make a little money to devote to the series, hiring professionals, etc. 
• It's dedicated to my friend, Aimee Long.
• It's time to put something out there, just like Aimee said the last time I saw her.

I feel like I may have a nervy b before this is over with. I have less than two months to finalize the book, add the finishing touches, edit, re-edit, re-edit some more, obsessively edit for the final ten times, and put it out there. I need to get a cover done for the book so I can create a website. (I'm a writer, not an artist.) I want to have at least one book signing prior to its release. That's the other problem. *sighs* I know that I mentioned this before, but September is going to be as busy as October normally is for me.

That's all I want to do this month...

This weekend...I have no idea how I'm going to make it through. Tomorrow, I have an appointment and then there's a conference at church that begins tomorrow evening. Doug will probably have to work the screens for seven of the eight services, but I don't mind being up there during the conference. It keeps us away from the multitude in the sanctuary. We have one guy who is great about helping out when he can. His job hours are sporadic, where as Doug's hours are set, so Doug can almost always run the evening services on weekdays as needed. So it's basically two people. At the family reunion day at church last Sunday, tables were set up to recruit more help in the media department with the screens and lighting. I'm really hoping we have garnered some serious attention by those who signed up. I need to compose an advertisement to run on the screens, but alas, I'm too busy. (I would say that I burn the candle at both ends, but I honestly feel more like a three wick candle most of the time.)

I have to keep the car tomorrow for my appointment in the morning and on Friday to take my mnl to the first morning service of the conference. If she didn't want to go, I would probably skip Friday morning so I could have extra time to work on finalizing Dormiveglia. I forced myself to wake up at ten-thirty this morning clinging to fragile hope that I will be clapped out enough to sleep for more than four hours tonight. I'd kill for five hours. Six hours would be divine.

So yeah, I'm exhausted and I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out a lot...

I keep reminding myself of what Charles Bukowski said:

Because Bukowski says that intelligent people are full of doubts and stupid people are filled with confidence, I must be intelligent. As much doubt as I'm experiencing, I must be super intelligent.

Next month is my Christmas time. I love Fall. I live for that season alone. I can't wait for everything that October has to offer.

Unfortunately, I will barely have time to catch my breath in October. 

October is normally busy for me and Doug. We go to two major Fall festivals, mostly pertaining to pumpkins. Then, there's Judgement House, which requires a huge amount of time. There are practices, set building, costumes, fine tuning, room directors having freak outs and meltdowns, and finally dress rehearsal. On the first night, there's usually drama. I won't get into the gory details, but I will say that we just can't seem to have Judgement House without the drama. That's just how it works. One or more people make a big scene and it has to be dealt with by security and/or authority. But again, that's how it works, and Judgement House goes on, and everything works out, and at the end of the week, you're exhausted and half out of it, but if you remember your name, you're still doing better than the ones who only answer to their character names. After playing a character for so long, you start to believe you're that person. (I've played an angel for the last seven years, but I still know for a fact that I'm no angel. *lol*)

This month...oh as if I need more reason to freak out...this month will be busy enough for TWO Octobers.

 

There is no maybe. I need time.

If only I could add more hours to the day and more days to the week...

I really don't know how I'm going to make it through October. Not only do we have the Fall festivals, which I live for all year long, and Judgement House, I'm releasing a book, and my mother is coming to visit. Please don't get me wrong, I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE MY MOTHER! I only see her once every few years. This year, I was privy to see her in July, but I still can't wait to see her again. She lives nine hours away, nine hours. That's too many for me! 

Doug and I are talking about moving closer to her in the near future. There's nothing for us here in this wasteland of a state. We would move closer to my brother and sister-in-law, but his job requires relocation, so we probably wouldn't live close to him for very long before he would have to move again. I live too far away from my family. Doug has had the privilege of having his family close by. They all live fifteen minutes away from our house, one aunt in one direction, and an aunt, an uncle, and his mother in the opposite direction.

So back to my mother's visit. My only problem with it is that October is ridiculously busy, but I'm taking full advantage of seeing her. Seeing her is one my top priorities in October, so I have rearranged my schedule. I'm missing book club this month. Doug and I are still going on our trip, but we're cutting some extras out this year. We will be going to the festival only on this trip, instead of gallivanting around the city and hitting the extremely huge, not so enclosed retail shopping compound. We may still go out to dinner at our usual favourite restaurant that does not exist in our city. I don't get people who go out of town and eat at the same restaurants they have at home. I like to try new things to an extent. I admit that I do not mess around with coffee, but if there were other coffee vendors besides Starbucks, I'm willing to try them. (Starbucks has killed all of the other coffee businesses in this area, and probably elsewhere as well.)

Somewhere in the middle of this chaos, I must find time for a book signing. My Saturdays are completely booked, except for the eleventh, so I'm hoping to be able to have a book signing on that Saturday. I'm not sure where. I'm not sure what time. I'm not sure who to call. I'm freaking out!

As for Judgement House, I do want to be a part of it. It's very important to me and to my husband. We may have to skip some practices. This is expected for the most part, as we usually miss one practice in order to take a day trip out of town to the second festival. I may be missing many more practices due to working and my mother's visit. I'm seriously considering going in as an alternate for JH instead of doing the full week. I'm also hoping to have the energy to do anything during JH week.

October 31st, Dormiveglia goes on Amazon. I hope I haven't had a nervy b by then.

Happy Belated Labor Day, by the way, to those who celebrate it.

My Labor Day wasn't extremely exciting. I slept way too late. I did get to see Crystal. She came to town very briefly, so on Labor Day, we met for coffee and talked. I went back to her brother's house to visit with them for about an hour, then I headed home to eat the best hot dogs in the world, because my husband makes them. He grills kosher dogs just for me so I can eat them. (Hot dogs are a huge migraine trigger, so I can only eat the kosher ones.) We sat out on the porch for a little while, and then went inside to watch shows on hulu plus. That's really all we did.

My mother's birthday was August 31st, so here are my favourite pics of me and her. I shared these pics of us on her birthday on the social networking sites that I frequent.

I have some recent pics, but I haven't downloaded them to my lappy yet.

There's nothing else to share. I whinged about how busy I'll be. I gushed about how I can't wait for Fall. I freaked out about publishing my book of short stories. Check, check, and check.

I should get back to work.

True story!

The last picture made me laugh until I cried, so I had to share it. It's true, and that's what makes it funny. I do want to note that I'm not a huge fan of Twilight, but I know enough about it to know why the scene used in this picture is funny. (On Vampires Suck, which I absolutely loved, they did this scene, and when he says, "Say it. Out loud. Say it," she responds with, "You're a Jonas Brother.")

I hope you're less stressed and less exhausted than I am. I must get back to work, although taking the day off and just breathing sounds like a better idea. I'm stressing so much that I may have forced myself to get up early for nothing, because I doubt I'm going to sleep any better tonight...although I did sleep last night. I don't remember seeing anything after three o'clock.

So, until next time, I'll be doing this:

AND...

I hope my husband believes this for the next two months:

Cheers!