House M.D. Tribute.

House M.D. ended May 21st, 2012. It's probably going to be replaced with some sort of rubbish that is not the least bit funny nor educational. That's usually what happens. The network will probably end up putting another Family Guy-esque type show that's worse than Family Guy itself.

I'll stop whinging now.

Thanks for the memories!

Under the Table and Dreaming...

Yes, I'm already dreaming about Fall...

Before I begin, I must apologize to Dave Matthews for using a song title as my blog title, but it describes exactly how I feel.

Anyway, I feel horrible, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Physically, everything hurts. Everything. Especially my head. It hurts so bad that by the time I got in the car to leave the hospital, (I'll get to that in a moment), my entire body was shaking and I was nauseated. Migraine or sinus headache? Perhaps both. Whatever the case may be, I am sick from the pain.

Mentally, I haven't written today, which means in fact that I haven't breathed today. I know that may sound ridiculous, but I'm serious when I say I eat, sleep, and breathe writing. I do. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I sometimes even dream in words. I see them spell out before me. I feel what my characters are feeling, which should honestly be the other way around, but I get into this. I haven't breathed today, I haven't bled today. I write when I'm happy, sad, angry, ambivalent, when I feel bad about myself, when I feel good about myself, I write when I'm ugly, pretty, feeling fat, have eaten too much, have not eaten enough, when I'm sick, when I'm in pain, and when I'm hurting. Sometimes, I write about the things going on in my life. I put in 80+ hours per week writing! No joke.

Emotionally, I'm sad. I'm freaking sad and I'm not sure anyone sees it. I'm just freaking sad! "Shellye, are you sad?" "No. What gave you that idea?" But seriously, I AM SAD! There are lots of reasons why I'm sad, but the topic of the day is my father-in-law. I'm sad over what's going on with him, but not just him, the elderly in general.

My father-in-law has Lewy Body Dementia, and I've discussed this in great detail. And he had to go through another surgery, which I will get to later. I've seen him being shuffled around from room to room. I've seen him taken care of, but not really cared for. The fact of the matter is that he's a GOMER (Get Out of My Emergency Room). And the first thing ER doctors want to do is get rid of GOMERS. In their defense, 90% of the time, there is nothing they can do for the elderly. They treat their symptoms and send them back to their nursing homes, skilled rehabilitation facilities, assisted living facilities, or home with their son or daughter who is their sole caregiver. Once they return to these facilities, they are put back in their rooms. Nurse's Aids have, oh let's say about 50 patients, and one hour in which to check on each patient, and they've got to be quick about it. Lifting assistance is not taken into account. General assistance (washing, bathing, helping them comb their hair, feeding them, helping them dress) is not taken into account. Having to turn bed fast patients over is not taken into account. ONE Nurse's Aid has less than four minutes per patient, one. Read it. And do you know what happens as a result of this? The patients get a lesser quality of care. My mom described a nurse's aid feeding a patient as, "squirting pureed food into an old person's mouth," which is due to their high patient load and low amount of time the nurse's aid is able to spend with the patient. Does that sound enjoyable to you? Is this what America does with its elderly? My heart is broken. I AM SAD, just freaking flat out depressed over the thought of this. What the heck happened to compassion? What happened to nurse's aids having the time to sit and spoon feed a patient and interact with them? The nurse's aids at my maternal grandmother's facility were great! I saw them going into rooms, interacting with the patient and his or her family, feeding them, talking to them, even if they couldn't talk back! Now I hear horror stories of nurse's aids and nurses being openly prejudice to their elderly patients who lived a homosexual lifestyle, or being negligent because they either don't care or have no time. Listen, there is no room in medicine for prejudice. Medicine is not black, white, gay, straight, young, or old. When you go into the medical field, you take an oath to do no harm. It doesn't matter if the bully who picked on you in high school walks in that door with a gunshot wound, MEDICINE KNOWS NO PREJUDICE! Healing is not just for a select group. When Jesus healed the sick, he didn't say, "Sorry, can't heal you because you're a homosexual," he said, "BE MADE WHOLE!" (This was usually followed by, "Go and sin no more," but that's not the point I'm trying to make right now, but I wanted it to be said.) Back to medicine, there is an oath involved to do no harm. DO NO HARM. That means DO NOT HARM!!! I think negligence or lack of quality in care is just as harmful as blatant abuse of a patient. It's the same thing. You can't tell me there's a difference. I want to be a doctor with all of my heart, and even if I don't make it, I'm going to be able to say I tried. Even if my OCD stops me, I will do everything I can from a non medical standpoint. I will speak out against this. I will do something to change it. This is where my heart is. Someone needs to stand up and fight for those who can't fight for themselves, like my father-in-law.

My father-in-law had surgery today. He had another bowel blockage, which may have caused kidney failure, (they say "near kidney failure" because his kidney function is dangerously low). Let me back up a bit. Last week, my father-in-law was taken to the hospital via ambulance due to abdominal pain. They admitted him for observation. He started regurgitating without explanation. They put in an NG tube, said his bowels and kidneys weren't working, and waited several days before deciding to do surgery. His belly bloated. The IV fluids weren't helping because they were all going to his stomach, but not exiting the body. My father-in-law somehow keeps getting his NG tube messed up, coiled, or out because he hates it. I know he does. I swear that the man is pulling it out on his own! And now that his hands are restrained, he is using his stomach muscles and his throat muscles to move the thing around and will it out of his body! They've had to replace it three or four times! The good news is that they do keep checking it to see what he's done with it this time. *lol* I feel bad for him, but it's funny how he's been able to get it out while his hands have been restrained! We were told they would probably have to place another one. Poor guy. He hates those things.

My father-in-law is in the ICU on a ventilator with his hands restrained so he doesn't pull it out. He was calm. He opened his eyes. He kept trying to talk to us. Doug and my mother-in-law (mnl) warned me about going back there. Fortunately, I was able to remain vertical instead of ending up horizontal. They let all three of us back there, which the sign said two only. So my mnl came back a few minutes later. I was fine until I saw this chart that the patient points to in order to communicate. My father-in-law has Lewy Body Dementia. He barely knows us. His speech was unintelligible the last time we visited. I don't understand how he's going to be able to speak for himself. When he looks at that chart, he could see anything but what's on that chart. He may tell them the chart is written in a foreign language he can't understand. How's he going to speak for himself? How is he going to tell them what he needs? How? Because I don't get it! And as I looked at that chart, I started crying. I made some excuse for Doug and I to leave the room because I didn't want to cry in front of my mnl. She often mirrors my mood, and I'm supposed to be strong for her. If she saw me fall apart, she may have fallen apart. So Doug and I went out into the lobby and I cried. I just couldn't help myself. This whole situation just sucks! It totally freaking sucks!!! And my hands are tied. I can't do a thing to help him. None of us can even stay in the room the whole time because of the odd hours at the ICU. It's a half hour to visit your loved one every three hours. I'm worried that he is going to freak out once the vent and the restraints are taken away, and none of us can stay there with him.

Why am I under the table and dreaming?
Because my dreams are big, and somewhat intimidating.
Because I need to escape from reality every once in a while.
Because my life really sucks right now and I can't deal with it.



Because all of the above...

Goodbye February, Hello March!

I was so glad to see February go. It was the worst month of 2012, for me anyway. I hope everyone else had a better February than I did! For those who are just in, let's recap February. We moved from our spacious, modern apartment to a cottage. Doug and I both got really sick. We celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary. Doug finally got better, but I spent the entire month sick. But wait, there's more...

Let's back up a bit. There are a few other health issues going on in my life right now that I had not planned on posting. (I never post anything until I tell my mother, *lol* so she won't read it and be like, "OMG, why didn't you tell me?") In January, right before we moved, I found a mass in my back, on the lower left side. At first, I was upset, but we were in the middle of packing and moving, so I didn't really say or do much about it. Once the move was over, I called and made an appointment. I thought it was a hormone secreting tumor because there were other issues that happened to coincide with this mass.

I have also been having a lot of eye problems. Right after we moved, I was drying my hair and noticed that I have a mass under my left eye. It was about the size of a pellet from a BB gun, but now, it has increased in size. It hasn't affected my vision any, which is good, I think. I haven't gotten in with anyone yet, but I plan on taking care of it as soon as possible.

So February was pretty lousy. We were both sick on our eleventh anniversary, but we went out to lunch anyway. Doug didn't want the day to go by without us doing anything. We did have a nice lunch. Then, we spent the rest of the evening sleeping on the couch while attempting to watch television. Like I said, the eleventh anniversary is illness. Anyway, Doug is completely recovered. Unfortunately for me, I was sick the entire month of February, and I can't seem to shake this illness, although today I felt better than I have since before we moved. I hope I'm finally on the mend now.

If being sick isn't bad enough, I ended up having to undergo a minor procedure. But before I continue...

The following blog has not been rated and contains humorous content, and a vague description of a minor surgery. Viewer discretion is advised.

On February 23rd, I went to my appointment to get the mass in my back checked out, and the doctor wanted to look at some other things too. The appointment was at 2:30 p.m., and I get there fifteen minutes early. I thought I was bad because I was ahead of schedule, but I didn't count on the fact that doctors have their own time zone. At three o'clock, they give me a whole bunch of papers to fill out, which is what I thought they would do when I got there fifteen minutes early, but that's not how it worked out. I was sick, tired, hungry, and rather impatient at that point, but I filled the paperwork out and took it back to the desk. As soon as I went to the loo to blow my nose, they called me back. Figures. Should have done that sooner! *lol* I get back into the room at 3:30, but the doctor doesn't see me until four. He wanted to do some other tests after I explained my symptoms, which was fine. That's what I was there for. Little did I know, I was going to have a minor procedure. Now before I begin my story, I am not going to explain the minor procedure in great detail. If you would like to know what happened, you can email me here.

I was in a room, sort of like this one.

But, the room I was in was stark white, and more brightly lit, and when they laid me down for the procedure, the sun was in my eyes. Of course, at that time, the blinding sun didn't matter.

The doctor did some tests and discovered this:

Well, not exactly...but the picture made me giggle! The doctor actually discovered another thing that had appeared out of nowhere and was wreaking havoc on my body.

So they discover this issue, and instead of sending Doug out of the room, the doctor said, "Go stand over there with her and hold her hand." I was glad he let Doug stay, but it also scared me when he told him to go hold my hand. The first thing that ran through my mind was that this must have be serious.

(I LOVE this picture!)

Then, the doctor said, "I need a clamp." I asked, "What is going on?" Then, the doctor explained to me that he found what he suspected, and then he had the audacity to tell me not to worry. When you go to the doctor, and they tell you they're going to remove something from your body and send it off to a lab to be tested, and they tell you not to worry, well, that's a superfluous request because you're going to worry! I'm laying on the table, holding back tears. Then, the nurse brings in the clamp. As soon as I saw it, I said, "Please, I need a minute, I'm going to faint." And the doctor, who I dearly love, I mean, he's great, no joke, said, "That's okay, because you're already laying down." Everyone thought that was funny but me. (It's funny now, but it wasn't at the time.) I laughed nervously, but that didn't keep me from crying.

The doctor assured me that I wasn't going to feel any pain, just pressure, but what I failed to mention to him was that I am like the princess in the story of The Princess and the Pea. I am so sensitive to anything having to do with my body. I can't take prescription medicine because I have a hyperchemical sensitivity to everything, which means that I have had an allergic reaction to almost every medication I have taken. I can barely take a Tylenol without having a reaction to it! My list of drug allergies could fill a book, not to mention that I have had allergic reactions to foods and lotions. Last Sunday, I put some Jergen's Ultra Healing lotion on my hands, and within seconds, my hands broke out in hives! I've also had certain foods that have caused my lips to swell up, but I can't pinpoint what those foods are, except for one. If I eat seeds from any pepper, even a bell pepper, my lips swell up. I can eat the pepper itself all day, but one seed, and my lips are like Angelina Jolie's for a little while. I won a lottery that I didn't know I was even playing. So even though the doctor promised me it wouldn't hurt, IT HURT!

The procedure was over in fifteen minutes, but I had to lay down for an hour and a half before I could get up to leave. My favorite nurse brought me some cold cloths and a glass of water, and they didn't try to hurry me out of there. I had to regain composure before I could talk with the doctor though. It was weird because I could feel myself slipping away, kind of like I was going to faint, so I kept talking to Doug to keep myself from slipping into unconsciousness. He stood there and kept holding my hand.

Doug adjusted the table for me so I could sit up for a little bit and drink the water. I tried to stand up about ten minutes later, and was successful, but I needed that extra time to be certain I wouldn't faint or get sick on the way to the car. The nurse brought the doctor back in to check on me. I asked him some questions, but I was still in an altered state of consciousness, so I forgot to ask him two really important questions. I did inquire about what to expect post procedure, which was the usual stuff, bleeding, nausea, vomiting, and pain. Thankfully I never experienced nausea or vomiting, just pain mostly.

Unfortunately, my minor procedure made Doug late for work. We tried contacting a few people to see if someone could stay with me, but everyone had plans, and Doug didn't feel comfortable with the thought of leaving me to begin with, so he called in, and a half hour later, I decided I was ready to go home. I thanked my favorite nurse who took such good care of me, then Doug took me out to the car, and we headed toward home. Doug was hungry, so we stopped by Arby's, then Wendy's because I wanted a salad. I was really hungry, which was surprising. I ended up eating an entire container of loaded potato bites on the way home. I had Doug put my salad away, and I ate several onion rings that he had purchased at Arby's, and went to bed. I slept off and on until almost ten o'clock that night, and I was still hungry when I woke up! *lol* So I ate my salad and watched television. I ended up sleeping on the couch until Doug took me to bed when he was ready to go for the night.

I essentially spent the remainder of February in bed, but the good news is that in the last two weeks, I accomplished a massive amount of writing. I also found out this past Saturday that my friend, who also happens to be my editor, is ready for me to start sending pieces. My goal is to have the first book published by October 2013. Now it's full speed ahead. I'm ready and excited, but I also understand that I'm facing a very large amount of time consuming work because now, it's all about perfecting the first book of the series; editing, cutting content, adding content, changing things, and embracing the changes that need to be made. I have my work cut out for me...but I'm up for the challenge. The problem is that I'm such a perfectionist and I will second guess the heck out of the content I decide to publish. *sighs* I have faith in my friend/editor.

Despite the fact that February was a bad month, Doug and I made it to eleven years, and despite illness, I got some writing accomplished. (For me, a day without writing is like a day without breathing.) March is still in the making, so here's to hoping for an awesome month of the birth of colorful tulips, wearing floppies, and soaking up the warmth of the sun!

Hope everyone has a great month!