Friday, October 3, 2014

October, October, March to the Dull and Sober...

It's October 3rd. When did that happen?

Here I was hoping, praying, and wishing for October to hurry up and get here. Now we're three days into October and I'm hoping, praying, and wishing that October will slow down! I can't make up my flipping mind!

Today it's gloriously cool and rainy. I'm only happy when it rains.

No seriously, I'm a pluviophile.

I'm not happy only when it rains, I actually do not like going out in the rain. I prefer rain exactly like the above gif, through a window.

(This is what it looks like at the cottage,  candle burning in front of a rainy window.)

I love Fall and Winter and aspects of Spring. I hate Summer. If Summer were 70 degrees, I could deal with that. People ask me why I'm so down on Summer. The main reasons consist of the heat and the insects.

On Monday, I had to keep the car to take my mother-in-law to an eye appointment. Before I continue, I must share a disclaimer. The following story contains a trigger warning for those of you who hate insects. The story includes an inbred mutant radioactive spider. If you cannot handle this, skip to page twenty-two. (There are not really twenty-two pages in this story. I could easily post a twenty-two page blog, but I digress...)

I came home from taking Doug to work. I had stopped along the way to purchase some coffee, so it was around 8:30 AM. I made my trek on the little walkway to the cottage, (it's hidden in the back) and as I stepped onto the porch, I saw an inbred mutant radioactive spider. No I'm not exaggerating!

I want everyone to stop reading and look at your middle finger. DO NOT FLIP YOURSELF OFF, that's not what I'm going for! I'm using this a visual. The point of this exercise is that this spider's body was as long as my middle finger and almost as wide. Can you imagine how freaky that looks now? Its legs were huge! It resembled a granddaddy long legs. The legs were about as thick as cherry stems, and it was sitting on the back of a folding chair that goes with our outdoor table set that had been folded up and leaned up against the side of the cottage. (I'm freaking out just typing this.)  

Thankfully, I had a pair of floppies out on the porch. I launched one at the inbred mutant radioactive spider, hoping to knock it off, thus causing it to run away. No such luck. The thing jumped at me. I shrieked. I nearly fell off of the porch as I tried to run away and ripped up my heel on the steps as I did. It hurt! I stood as far back as I could, since this thing could jump like a professional basketball player slam dunking the ball. He was quite athletic if I do say so myself.

Now, I had a serious predicament. How was I going to safely get into the cottage? I knew it wasn't going to be easy, not with that huge inbred mutant radioactive spider standing in my way, right in front of the steps! If this thing hadn't jumped to my eye level, I would have simply stepped on it and ground my shoe into the pavement repeatedly until the creature was no longer recognizable.

I picked up my other shoe and threw it at the thing, blocking his path, and with trembling hands and great panic, I whipped around the left side of the porch, unlocked the door, and entered the cottage. Unfortunately, the Moo Bear Cat ran outside. Cats are supposed to be the world's best hunters, but they're the laziest creatures. Moo Bear didn't even pay the inbred mutant radioactive spider no mind as he flopped about on the porch, purring and chittering, happy to be outside. I had to scoop him up, all the while hoping this inbred mutant radioactive creature wouldn't jump at me, and I ran inside. I shut and locked the door, as if the spider were going to stand up, turn the knob, and walk inside. I stared at him from the little windows in the door, and he just stood there, glaring at me, biding his time for when I next walked out, which would take place in exactly forty-five minutes from that moment.

I had to change clothes (I had showered the night before. I usually shower in the morning, but her appointment was too early for me to do this.) I sat down and played around on the internet via my Kindle Fire HD and desperately tried to calm down. I was still shaking. I only hoped that inbred mutant radioactive spider would find someone else to scare so he would leave. I donned my shoes, grabbed one of the coffees I had purchased, and headed for the door. I peeked out the window, and IT. WAS. STILL. THERE! Again, I was in this predicament. How was I going to exit the cottage and get out to the car to leave? Oh this spider was GOOD! I knew his plan was to wait me out!

I quickly assessed the situation. I could use the back door. Yes, that's what I'll do! I ran to the back door. Oh bugger, I would have to move the bags of laundry. We had recently organized our closet, and so there are bags of clothes that I have sorted through and have to wash, but I'm a workaholic writer who is about to publish a book at the end of the month and I simply haven't had time! The back door exit was not going to suffice. I went back to the front door and stared outside at the creature. I had hoped that my race to the back door would have left this spider curious, and perhaps it would strategize waiting at the back door to make its move when I stepped out, but no, it was still sitting there, plotting, waiting for me to make my move. I had no choice but to go outside.

I grabbed the spray bottle that we keep handy for naughty kitties, aimed it at Moo Bear, because I had no time for his antics. I had seconds to step out, dive off of the left side of the porch, and quickly bolt down the walk and to the car. Could I do it? Or would I meet my demise?


I'm only kidding! I'm not the type of person to leave you with the thought of the main character precariously perched on the ledge of a building with a gun pointed at him or her. I'm not that mean!

I stepped outside, one eye on Moo Bear and the other on the spider. I never allowed my eyes to leave the inbred mutant radioactive spider as I pulled the door closed behind me and tiptoed to the left side (my right as I'm facing the road now) of the porch. I dashed off and took off for the walk, never looking back! YES! I MADE IT! I ESCAPED THE EVIL INBRED MUTANT RADIOACTIVE SPIDER! The only bad news was that I couldn't go back home now.

I calmed down now that I was far, far away from my captor. I drove to mother-in-law's house in record time, and we got to her appointment. My mother-in-law said that she was going to be there forever and that I should go out and entertain myself. I was happy to sit there and play on my Kindle since the doctor's office had WIFI. Of course, their WIFI was down, because it was Monday, and everything sucks on Monday. I was stuck using my piece of crap phone that may or may not work depending on the weather and whether or not it's the sixth Monday of the fourteenth month.

The worst thing about this eye doctor's establishment is the fact that they only play the news on television. I avoid the news like the plague. I depend on my husband to tell me the important stories, because when I watch the news, one of the top stories is about child or animal abuse, and I become quite inconsolable. I don't have time to sob uncontrollably for three hours, so I just don't watch the news. Unfortunately, the news is forced upon me in nearly every medical establishment to which I must go or take my mother-in-law.

The news right now...I don't want to hear it, especially concerning Ebola. I won't share my opinion on any of that subject matter. I'm just not in the mood to debate about this crisis, and I simply don't have time to deal with the drama that would surround a debate about it.

Even though this is my blog, the last time I shared my opinion about the president, I was verbally assaulted by people who disagreed with me. I don't have time for that drama, therefore, I just choose to keep my mouth shut concerning politics, the president, and my thoughts and beliefs. It's not good to be honest in today's society. People will label you as a hater, a racist, or whatever they can think of with which to label a person who shares their honest opinion simply because your thoughts and beliefs on certain subject matter is different from their thoughts and beliefs. People can be so judgemental, and truth be told, they don't even really know the person they're judging. We're all guilty of judging others. I'm not the least bit innocent.

Let me give you an example. I posted a post almost two years ago. I won't go into what it said. Some of you may remember it, but I got so many hateful comments and messages because of the post, so I had to take the post off of the blog. I still have it, but it can't be viewed any longer. Basically because I'm not a fan of the president, I have been called a racist. My opinion had absolutely nothing to do with the colour of the president's skin or his ethnic background, but according to some of his supporters who apparently take the time to read my blog (thanks for reading, by the way), it obviously had to be my main reason for my lack of support. (So I found out two years ago that I'm a racist. I wish I had known so I could have sought some professional help for that.) *smh*

Here I am trapped in the waiting area of an eye doctor's office with no WIFI and being inundated by stories of stupidity, Ebola, celebrity car accidents, and other rubbish that the news anchors were blathering on about, and the worst part of it was that it repeated! It was like the song that never ends!

The last time I was there, the news woman blathered on about how these two children walking home with their mother were hit by a car, because a driver lost control or he/she was drunk. It was sad! And they kept showing the video repeatedly! And the waiting room was full, so I was positioned where the television was within my line of sight! I kept having to see and hear these two girls getting run over! Thankfully, both children were fine, but it was awful! Why do people watch that stuff? Sure, I loved watching horror films when I was younger, but they're fictional. Watching these elementary school aged girls get ran down was not a scene in a horror movie, IT REALLY HAPPENED!

Thankfully, my mother-in-law wasn't there as long as she expected to be, and I was able to get the heck out of there before I saw the coverage of J-Lo and Leah Remini's fender bender for the fifth time. (That made national news? Really?)

After the appointment, my mother-in-law and I went to the mall. I had to pick up some wallflowers from Bath and Body Works, and pick up my free item with my coupon to boot. (They have the best coupons.) My mother-in-law also gets their coupons and likes to shop there as well. 

We entered through the book store. It's dangerous for me to go into a book store. I come out with tons of books that I currently don't have time to read. My main reason for the entrance into the book store was that the book store has a loo, and as I previously mentioned, I have to piddle upwards of twenty times per day (give or take), which is entirely too much. We walked inside, went to the little corridor where the loo was located, and there was a barrier and the yellow sign, like caution tape, with the words that indicated that the loo was closed. WHY?!? I lost my cherub-like demeanor, because now it was mile hike through Sears to the nearest loo! At least I would be getting my exercise since my career involves sitting on my bum all the ruddy day.

As my mother-in-law and I hiked twelve miles, up hill, both ways to the loo in Sears, we passed by some clearance racks. I immediately knew it was a marketing ploy, because Sears had made a deal with Books-A-Million. Sears knew that people would need the loo, so they paid Books-A-Million to close their loo, which would then cause people to come to Sears, use their loo, and notice the clearance racks, And then certain people would spend $25 on clothes that they didn't really need when they were planning on getting one item, but upon taking their selections to the dressing room, they found out that all of the items fit, and they did a happy dance because the Capri pants were a size five. I wouldn't know anything about that. Nothing at all...

After being tricked into purchasing some items off of the clearance rack, thanks to Sears and their evil scheme with Books-A-Million, my mother-in-law and I went to Bath and Body Works, the foundation of our reason for coming to the mall in the first place. And I got what I came for. And we went back to the evil book store, and we got caffeinated at the coffee vendor in the book store. And we went to grab lunch and take it back to her place, where I stayed, because I couldn't go home. That inbred mutant radioactive spider would be waiting, and I'm sure it had an even better plan this time.

Epilogue: When Doug and I got home that night, only the lower half of the inbred mutant radioactive spider's body remained. I told Doug I would like to thank whoever killed it, and his response was, "I doubt that. The creature that killed it was probably much bigger and scarier looking than it." THANKS, HONEY!


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