A compilation of the thoughts and actions of a writer with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm not certain if I have announced this before, but I REALLY HATE SUMMER!!!! I always have, and I probably always will. Summer to me is a season of lack, a wasteland, if you will, a desert, dry and hot with endless, draining heat and humidity so high that one can barely breathe; I don't want to do anything, I can't do anything, I can barely even eat because it's too hot, and this season, it leaves me with nothing but exhaustion and hopelessness. I know that some of you will ask me, "What about vacation?" Vacation, now there's a concept. Vacation in the summer is the same everywhere in the states. There are the beaches, water parks and the amusement parks. If you're lucky, you can afford to go to a resort in Hawaii or even out of the country. I am not so lucky. All I can do is sit inside, pray to God for cooler weather, and turn the air conditioner all the way down to 45 degrees, which never works. It's still too hot. Summer is the "winter" of my life, the bane of my existence. In layman's terms, it just plain sucks, including the life out of me.
Unfortunately for me, the majority of the people around me relish in this horrible season. These well meaning friends want me to go sit outside with them. That's the last place I want to go. There's nothing but heat and bugs, lots and lots of stinging bugs...no thank you. As for the pool, I have to be desperate, and I have to be able to get past the thought of swimming in a giant cesspool of germs. The lake is an even worse idea. Mosquitos hover above the water and mud squishes between your toes with each step...GROSS!! Barbecues/cookouts are kind of fun. You get to eat yummy food. The problem with cookouts is the fact that most people at these gatherings want to eat outside, and that brings us back to the bugs. There is NOTHING fun about trying to eat outside while protecting your food from the swarm of flies that suddenly appears out of nowhere. The good thing about summer would have to be the warm nights. The problem is that I can't even sit outside and enjoy myself because of the bugs and the bat swooping down to catch them. I have no support because my husband and friends make fun of me. Summer...nothing but a wasteland.
Once summer is over, I return to my normal, chipper self; the anger, hopelessness and exhaustion are replaced with thoughts of peace, a renewed hope and an amazing supply of energy. I want to do everything, go everywhere. I flit about like a psychotic social butterfly on speed. (That's the best description I can think of.) I can't wait to see the leaves change, hear them crunching under my shoes when I walk, the robin's egg blue sky, the cold air embracing me; I inhale it and feel it bringing me back to life, the smell of fireplaces enveloping me, making me long for winter, a good book and a hot chocolate with whipped cream and a dash cinnamon. It's like being welcomed home, like peace, relaxing, the smell of cold and chimneys clinging to my clothes as I go inside, leaf fragments sticking to my shoes, but that's okay. I have a vacuum cleaner, but it can wait for a little while. The floor will be fine. Can you believe that statement coming from me? That's how Fall works. Doug trudges up the stairs with boxes of fall decorations from the basement, dust flying as we unpack the glorious leaves that will litter the house until The day after Thanksgiving. Doug, taking my direction on what goes where, the apartment looking like a Fall paradise! These are the things that bring me happiness, and each new day brings promise. The only downside of Fall is the fact that words fail me. I'm too busy to sit down and work on my book (that I officially began writing last summer) during that short, but beautiful season every year.
Once Fall gives way to Winter, the excitement and energy decreases a bit, but it's my time to relax, regroup, recharge. I love baking cookies and making chex mix while the snow falls softly, coating the outside world with its delicate, white blanket, hiding the imperfections/impurities, making everything glisten in the moonlight, but blinding in the sunlight. The scent of chimneys and cold still embrace my clothing like an old friend. Winter comes with its problems, like hazardous driving conditions, freezing temperatures, and salt residue everywhere, but the cold isn't one of them. I bundle up, grab a blanket, a mug of coffee or hot cholate and sit outside on my balcony in the dead of winter. There are no bugs, but the best part is the fact that there are no people! No parties going on outside, no neighbors sitting on the porch, drinking and listening to country music, nobody, because I'm the only one crazy enough to go sit on my balcony! Solitude. Peaceful. Quiet, other than the occasional car driving past.
Finally, Winter gives way to Spring. Yes, the flowers and trees are gorgeous, but the bugs return and the weather will not make up its mind, not to mention the return of horrible allergies. Then there's the rain, oh how I HATE the rain! I hate rain! It's such an inconvenience, especially in Spring when it's too hot in the car and you need to turn the air conditioner on, but have to turn the heat on and all the way up to dissipate the fog on the windows! So with Spring, hope abandons me, and I want to hibernate, but my body is not designed to do such things, so I must stay and face it. I would sleep through May if I could though. I hate it the most.
I hear some of my friends complain about winter, and most of them have every right to, because winter does bring on the aches and pains of a human body. I'll confess, I never understood S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because I don't mind winter. The problem is, if there's such a thing as S.A.D. during the warmer months, I'm quite certain I struggle with it. I've hated summer since I was ten years old. I'm quite certain there has to be an explanation for this. If there is, this is the best one I can think of.
Usually once August arrives, the excitement and anticipation of Fall begins to stir within me. This year, I'm not there yet. I have a feeling the Fall decorations will be out early this year at my house.