January & OCD

(From January 11th, 2010, Facebook Notes)

It's amazing what one month can do to a person. I always look forward to January because it's a chance to experience down time and regroup before truly diving into the year. Unfortunately, I've had too much down time, too much being isolated in my apartment due to illness, then weather, and of course the main reason, no vehicle. I think it's starting to get to me.

I slept, but it was mostly tossing and turning. I kept having weird dreams about driving 60 mph on Route 60, which the speed limit is 45 mph. I always pass by a police car and they don't stop me. I look at the speedometer and realize I'm not going 60 mph, I'm going 400 mph. I had this dream five times. I woke up for a split second, then fell back to sleep and dream that someone was making me watch horror movies. I kept telling the person I didn't watch that kind of stuff anymore, but they wouldn't listen to me. Then I would go upstairs where the person's family were sleeping, and find that whatever evil main character on the movies I was forced to watch, was torturing the family. I would grab the baby girl (approx. 6 months old with strawberry blond hair, in yellow pajamas) and run downstairs before anyone saw me, and tell the person what's going on. They walk upstairs, but they don't see anything going on. They just see their family asleep. And this dream goes on five times before I wake up at 10:15 this morning.

I'm a bit concerned about what these odd dreams could possibly mean. All I know is that I can't have anything else go wrong in my life right now. I need a "Get out of jail free" card, but sometimes I feel like life hands you a "Go Directly to jail" card that also says, "Do no pass go, do not collect $200.00."

I can't help but think that last night, when Eddie James was singing, "You should have been there when I came through," I couldn't help but feel like I must have came out of the wrong end of that thing, because I don't feel delivered. I feel more empty and more vulnerable. I don't know how to approach God with this. All I know is that yesterday morning, I felt certain of some things, and now I don't. See, someone who suffers from OCD sees everything in black and white, not just the world and others around them, but they also see themselves in black and white.

A wise man once told me that the world isn't always black or white, there are many gray areas. *shrugs* I guess there are some things in my life that are no longer black or white to me. I could look at things and have a decision immediately and put it back in its respective black or white compartments. Now everything is strung out everywhere in my mind and I am looking at it and refusing to deal with it, because all of the sudden, I don't know where anything goes anymore. That is clearly an OCD moment. Because of this, I guarantee something in the physical is going to be alphabetized or organized by color, number, etc. sometime today. And no matter how many times I alphabetize, organize, reorganize, straighten, rearrange, I will be caught up in this moment again sometime because that's just how it works. OCD is green, OCD is mean. Sing it with me. Or is it "mean" and then "green"? Who cares? I do. Someone needs to write a book called OCD for Dummies, or maybe something titled, "Why OCD People Do the Things They Do" By someone whose name has to be a palindrome, like Bob Neven.

Everything usually works out in the end, whether it's admitting that you're in a struggle or learning to have a sense of humor about yourself, feelings are temporary. Now my brain hurts, and I'm ready to go back to bed. Have a great day.Reflections...