Friday, July 1, 2011


Most of you who know me know that I'm a writer. I love writing, I love reading what other people write. It inspires me, teaches me, and helps me remember that I am not the only one. And that's a good thing, that's a wonderful thing knowing you're not alone.

Most of you know that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I see and think in terms of black & white, all or nothing, compartmentalizing, organizing, order, routine, schedules. I'm a creature of habit. I do the same thing everyday, eat the same thing everyday, drink the same thing everyday, and if there are changes in the schedule, they have to be given to me in a time frame that I think is acceptable. (Usually a day or two before.) That's just how I roll. But that can be a good thing because I'm very predictable, very orderly, very loyal. However, there's a down side. (There has to be. There's an equal and opposite reaction to everything. Yes, it's true. Just ask me.) I'm not very flexible. I have a hard time accepting excuses, for example: If you tell me you're coming over and you don't call or show up, I feel like you cannot be trusted or even considered reliable. That's a deal breaker. Am I behaving atrociously? I don't think so. You've made a commitment to me. That's part of the power of agreement. Pastor Kevin taught about how there's power in agreement, and that means agreeing on something as simple as keeping a promise. If you can't keep a promise, there's no power in that agreement. Are you feeling me? But I digress.

If you call me and tell me that you're going to be late, I'll totally understand. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not as mean as everyone perceives me to be. (These jaguars can be weal mane! I'm going to see if I can tick it off.) Really, I'm not. (CRIKEY, IT'S TRYNA BITE ME ARM OFF! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS CHOMPERS!) Seriously. (*screaming and chomping in the background*) Let's just forget that whole segment ever happened. (Cut. CUT! The director said "cut." I'm rehearsing, rehearse...)

I apologize and inform you that the writers of the commentary surrounded by parentheses have been sacked...

I also have Attention Deficit Disorder, which is connected with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which is characterized by compensating for the chaos and disorder in my brain. The two disorders are very connected. Sometimes I make the mistake of writing down or saying what I'm thinking. This is never a good thing. (Do you know why I stopped you? Cause you could smell it! -Gabriel Isglesias's response to a cop who pulled him over after he made a wrong turn leaving Krispy Kreme with a box of donuts.)

I have issues, but I'm fun. (WHY CAN'T I JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON?!?!?!? I JUST WANT MY BRAIN TO STOP FOR A MOMENT! STOP THE...Wait a tick...OMG THERE'S A BUG! IT'S looking at me...KILL IT BEFORE IT HAS A CHANCE TO HURT ME! *bursts into tears, sobbing and wailing like the crazy person that I am*)

I'm a bit of a comedian. I love to make myself, and others laugh. (Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.) Like this one time, I was at a doctor's appointment, and you know the doctor that oversees the care of pregnant women. Yes, that's where I was. I had just come from a funeral. I was wearing a gray skirt (almost unheard of for me) and a black shirt and knee high boots. The heel of my boot got caught on the chair leg and when the woman at the desk called my name, as I stood to get up, I was thrown forward. Ten pregnant women gasped loudly because they think the obvious. I couldn't help myself. I picked myself up off the floor, applauded, took a bow, and said, "Thank you, thank you. And for my next trick, I'll try walking." The women laughed, and it made them feel better and took the spotlight off of the fact that I fell in the floor. (Yeah, I meant to do that.)

I guess you could call this an apology for neglecting my fans. (Boo *hissing and booing continue*) I'm sorry about that. I've been working on my book instead of hanging with you fine folks. What's my book about? I can't tell you due to copywright laws...or in my case, lack there of.

But, I must get on with it. Have a nice day!

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